Ever since I started running in any serious manner – that is, when I started running barefoot/minimalist – I have developed a totally different perspective on the sport. Most notably, my definition of myself as a “runner.” I’ve come to realize that I don’t feel like a runner unless I’m involved in a race of some sort, either running in one or training for one in the near future. I realized this last weekend when I was at a race I wasn’t running, and I spent the whole day feeling like I wasn’t a “runner” because I was not participating.
That, as well as this thoughtful article by Kyle Kranz, has led me to re-examine my entire thought process on the subject of running races.
I really like races. I like signing up for them and then instantly being filled with all of that excitement and possibility, especially if it’s a new distance or a challenging course. I like training for them, too – building up my mileage and endurance gives me such a great feeling of accomplishment. Having a race at hand keeps me motivated to train at a higher level and always be improving.
I love just being at races, too. Standing at the starting line around a large group of excited runners gives me such a high. I have learned a lot of great things about myself at races that I’d never have learned just running on my own.
I’ve also learned some not-so-great things about myself during races. Like how slow I am, compared to everyone else at that starting line. How much fitter the average runner is than me. And also, how much those things bother me. Often, at a race I’ll be standing around just feeling short, fat and generally very unimpressive. It’s such a negative feeling to have, even around all those super open-minded California trail runners.
Some of my races have been major failures, as well. My last race was a few weeks ago, the Raptor Ridge Half Marathon. Half Marathons are great races for me because they’re not too scary, thirteen miles is a distance I have completed many times. I was so excited to run this race, my first one since moving to San Diego. I practiced this course a few times so I would know what to expect. I even donned a brand new running skirt for the occasion! When the gun sounded I was off with a great big smile. I ran light, smooth and fast (for me) along the first three miles. I even started to pass some people, anticipating my friends Vanessa, Shacky and Kate waiting for me at the top of the big hill the race was named after. I was fast approaching the base of that hill and I was so stinking happy.
And then I tripped on a rock and sprained my goddamn ankle.
It was a super bummer. I was pissed at myself, my ego was bruised, and now I was going to be benched for the next few weeks. But hey – that shit happens during races. The worst part of it all, though, was that I wouldn’t get to finish running that killer course that I liked so much.
As I was sitting under the med tent having my ankle wrapped and iced, and watching my friend Jon point and laugh at me from the comfort of his Merrell table, all I could think about was the money and energy I’d wasted on this race. I kept thinking that now I couldn’t run this course until next year. But…wait. What?
What the hell was I thinking?! I can run this course any time I want! The trail head is twenty minutes from my house – I could drive out here on a Tuesday and run the whole thing if I want. For free. And without feeling bad about my fat, slow ass pulling up the rear of all the other runners.
Somehow, I think maybe I’ve gotten a little too far away from the reasons why I run in the first place, especially since I’ve moved to California and began to spend more time around all my insanely talented distance runner friends. I have blown so much energy on the idea that I must be completing races of long, stupid distance in order to qualify as a runner. That I’m not really defining myself a “real” runner if I’m not collecting medals and cheap t-shirts, and damaging the paint on my car’s bumper with braggy race stickers.
Ok, so yeah I’m proud of having run those distances. And why not be? I finished those races, and I’m officially an ultra-marathoner now. I can walk proudly and wear that title for the rest of my life.
But the title is so arbitrary, isn’t it? It’s a lot like that ironic internet saying “pics or it didn’t happen.” If you don’t run 50 organized, aid-stationed and medal-ed kilometers, then it doesn’t count.
Ahh, but I’m digressing. My aim here isn’t to bash the organized race, but to point out that increasing my own race distances from 5K to 50K over the course of two years may not have been the best idea physically or emotionally. In those two years I have not increased my speed, decreased my weight or even done much work on my overall endurance. Sure, my feet are able to carry me 50 kilometers from here on any given day now, but can they do the job well? I think not.
If you subscribe to the message of any of our barefoot running prophets and sages, like Caballo Blanco, Chris McDougall and so many others, they all share the same notion about running: that the whole point of it is in the practice, not the trial.
In other words, is there really a point in throwing down my hard-earned cash to run long-distance races that I’ve barely had the time to train my body for? Why all the rush to go longer and longer before I’m really ready? I mean, who do I think I am out there: Vanessa Runs?
And, more importantly, would I rather be climbing up mountains at my own pace and whatever distance my body can handle with my buddy Kate, or cranking out three painful, mostly walking 20-milers just to get them done before an ultra? The answer is pretty obvious. I just don’t want to give up the great opportunity to stop and climb up a random group of rocks, explore a dead-end trail or take pictures of ourselves lounging at the summit of a mountain. That stuff is the joy of running for me, I want every time I run to be like that.
Also, I just don’t like thinking of myself as a slow-ass, back-of-the-pack slacker. It’s not a good mental place to be, and I only feel that way when I’m at races. I’ll never run like Pat Sweeney, so why not spend more time running on my own and feeling good about myself, while also using that time to train toward a better, more race-friendly pace?
I dunno. All of this said, I’m still signed up for the Carlsbad Marathon in January (my first). I don’t really want to waste the money or the opportunity to train, so I will. But I’m going to think on this one for a bit, before adding my name to any more lists. It’s possible that I might be all done with racing big new distances for awhile, in order that I can practice more running.
October 31, 2012 at 12:58 PM
Glad you are sticking with Carlsbad! I need someone to chat with all morning :-). But, as to this note, you do echo a lot of the same thoughts I’ve had. Sure could save $ by just running to run… but there are still parts of races I enjoy. For some reason I run a little bit faster in a race (not saying much) and push myself more, than on my own… but again is that important? Anyway.. thanks for the thought provoking post 🙂
October 31, 2012 at 1:19 PM
I agree that you push yourself harder at a race. I never run 13 whole miles without walking unless I’m at a race. Haha.
October 31, 2012 at 1:26 PM
I just read an article called “Don’t compare your beginning to someone else’s middle.” I think the title sums it up. I do this in my career and it did nothing but demotivate me to a degree where I couldn’t do much for a while. Also worth noting is I think , like you, I want to be good at things. I was never that good at sports in my youth so as an adult in recent years I gave great efforts to things in work and physical training because I just got sick of being mediocre at things and wanted to see my potential. After training myself with weights for years to an overworked degree I burned myself out and stopped for a few years. Now I am starting again with a new approach, one that states the importance of giving your body time to recover after each workout, realizing that the human body can get stronger but only if you don’t overtrain. Overtraining exhausts you, causes loss of muscle and is seriously demotivating after you worked so hard for results. I encourage you to focus on recuperation as much as the actual running. It’s just as important to understand how the body responds to stress like intense physical exertion. We are humans and not indestructible, although we sometimes reward others for things that aren’t necessarily good for us. Love the blog, still keeping up with it as well as your husbands tweets.
October 31, 2012 at 1:48 PM
Also now that I’m thinking of this, training the calves and legs with weights and then some recovery time could power these uphill runs really well. Maybe you already knew this but just wanted to mention it. I only know about weightlifting but it draws a parallel to any sports when it concerns the human body and how it responds to stressors.
October 31, 2012 at 2:58 PM
Thanks, Adam! I wish I knew for sure which Adam you are. And I agree with everything you’re saying. I think my main error wasn’t in my enthusiasm for the sport but my over-reaching sense that I can do anything, as long as I sign up for it first. :p
November 1, 2012 at 3:42 PM
Not setting limits for what you think you can do sounds great. Maybe you’re onto something you said in another comment that you should take a step back and decide what distances are right for you at your current training level. Then once you’ve gained all the benefits of that training level you’ll go into the next level much stronger. That’s just my suggestion based on experience with rushing to goals and having seen people rush and not gain as much as having taken it slower to grow stronger for the next level.
Regarding identity, I’ve used the same sign in to post comments on other articles in the past like your article “why I regret becoming a responsible adult” and one other I can’t recall the title of. I came across this blog indirectly through following Jim Lee because I’ve been a bat fan since youth. Then Jim lee’s tweets got me following your husband who then tweets your articles sometimes. I find common ground on the articles I read here perhaps because of being in my early 30’s and dealing with some (definitely not all) of the same issues and thoughts.
November 2, 2012 at 2:27 PM
Wow, way cool that you’re following me because of Jim Lee > my hubby. Thanks so much for reading, dude. I’ve confused you with another Adam that I know all this time, I’ll have to go back and re-read the other stuff. Haha.
Anyway, thanks for your thoughts and suggestions. I don’t know if I will end up changing much in the end, my social tendencies make me prone to signing up for things, haha. But I’ve definitely got to put some serious thought into it.
October 31, 2012 at 2:07 PM
The Carlsbad course is really nice! I hope you like it! First marathon!? Did you read my “Before I Die” list? http://runwithkate.blogspot.com/2012/10/before-i-die.html
I might have to join you for some of those miles just so I can check that one off my list!
October 31, 2012 at 2:56 PM
Does it count to run someone’s first marathon with them, if they’ve already run a longer race? If so, then sign up! Well…only if you’re okay with running it way slower than normal for you. 🙂
October 31, 2012 at 9:01 PM
I always make it a point to read your thoughts because they make me think too. This one was particularly close to my heart.
I realize your love for races; that adrenaline rush that comes from standing at the start line, listening to the national anthem and then the gun goes off and you embark in an adventure of a lifetime. We draw so much energy from other runners; that feeling of oneness is incomparable.
I was in the same boat five or six years ago. I just lived to race. I would pretty much sign up for any weekend race within a fifty to seventy-five mile radius. But then one fine morning I suddenly realized I am tired of racing. Somewhere while racing and competing and training, I have lost the joy of running. I do not eagerly await to head to the trails anymore. I have forgotten to smile after conquering a hill; I am more interested in doing a major math calculation on my stopwatch. And the saddest part was I lost the glimmer in my eyes that came after a long run.
Remember, I admire long distance racers. I know what it takes to wake up every morning and train for a particular run. But the essence of running lies in its joy; in that feeling of freedom that it gives us. The moment we feel bound by some standards that we have set for ourselves and we hurriedly try to reach that set standard, we have defeated the entire purpose of why we run.
So after my five year sabbatical from racing I am slowly feeling the urge to get back to organized racing again. I have the fifty miler in January. But this time I have promised myself I am not going to lose myself in racing; rather I will find myself in running.
-Allie Comfortably Numb-
November 1, 2012 at 10:22 AM
Thanks Allie! I do still love races. I just think I might need to take a step back and decide what race distances really are right for me, at my current level of training.
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